hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
