I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
