flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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