I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
