There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
