also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
