watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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