Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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