Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
