My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
