yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
