Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
