'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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