matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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