i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
