Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
