so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
