true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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