My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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