I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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