I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
