I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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