you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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