FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
