I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
