Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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