I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
