I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
