Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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