doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
