She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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