Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I use my feet as sexual weapons
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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