Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
