is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
