Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
