They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
