someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
