i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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