so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
