you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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