Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I skipped work to stalk him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
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