i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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