Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
