Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
