I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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