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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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