Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
