I will die if light touches me.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
