Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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