saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
