Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
