Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
