he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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