Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
