I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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