i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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