I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
