well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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