im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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