I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
