oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize